Him, her and me..!

The bhel wala at the corner, the kid working at the tea stall, the guy who sells matching blouse pieces to women, the girl who rubs her nose every time she passes me in office, the lady who talks animatedly over the phone, the paan chewing man at my mobile service shop, the rickshaw wala...what is their story? I see these people everyday. They occupy 0.00000000143% space of my conscious mind. That is, i notice them. At times. At times i am completely unaware. I sit in a rickshaw...am staring out into nothingness or talking on the phone. I am hardly aware of the man's face who drives me all the way to my destination. Not even when i pay him do i bother to look him in the face. He is faceless for me...as are the general "public" around me. People dashing to work...people ambling along...women with their duppatas's on their nose to stifle out unpleasant smells, a 6 year old on a big man's cycle...half standing to peddle it. Its nice to take in these visuals....with music to give rhythm to their movements...they all seem to sway at the same beat. The slow laughter, the hasty run, easy wave of hand...they all synchronize to form one beautiful display of everyday acts.
I give my own stories to them....put words to their muttering lips...guess their life crises on the basis of phone conversation snippets i hear. I give them a larger than life appeal and conjure images of aliens attacking them, loved one's breaking up, life threatening diseases engulfing them and give them happy - sad occasions to live, in my head....they live a life of their own in my head for precisely 6.36 min. Then the song playing catches my attention...or a friend calling brings me back to my own boring, grounded life.
Don't we all wish at times we were someone else?!

Confessions of an awakened mind

I am 27 years of age and i have never voted in my life. A shameful confession!! For all my passionate views about politics, democracy and politicians....i have failed to exercise my right as a citizen. As a good citizen.

We so often hear, "Bad politicians are voted by good citizens who don't vote", its true. But its such a huge responsibility, isn't it? Such a huge burden, to be right...to do the right thing...to be responsible for your actions..! Scary..at least to me. And then there is the dilemma of which evil guy to choose to represent you, to put your faith in! For its propaganda campaign congress has released numerous ads and radio spots...all of which are in Marathi. They dare not get overtly secular at this point and address their message in Hindi, they can't afford to piss the maharashtrian's off, giving the opposition more than a likely chance of winning. Raj continues to hammer people with the 'Me Marathi' fever. Politics at its best.

We sit with our friends, discuss politics, talk about how our country is going to the dogs, how the mithi river is still as it used to be, roads have gone from bad to worse and politicians are bloody rascals - India ka kuch nahi ho sakta! We admire Rahul Gandhi and Sachin Pilot, for being so young, for standing by what they believed in and for making that difference that we have not made. We sit and hope that tomorrow the country will be a better place to live in, opportunities will be endless, more fly overs will come up, there won't be any slums scattered all over, we'll have metro's to speed up transport, crime will disappear and the prices for everything will fall. These are our expectations. And we continue to say that these things will not happen even in a 100 years.

They won't. Cause we're not changing. Cause I am not changing. Cause i think of getting my voters id every single day, but don't. Then i tell myself that its because i don't have the time...am so busy, i work late, what's the point anyway...etc etc.

I don't know how many of you share the same experience as me, how many of us feel terribly burdened by voting and make excuses to not vote. I, have decided to be the change, to contribute in a small way to the fate of this city and my nation. I am getting a voter's id.

Smelly things!

Some experiences smell different. They have the smell of fresh open blue skies. Smell of openness and possibilities. These scents are my favorite.

An innocent life coming into the world…the smiles, the happiness associated with her…the end of wait. Expectations and laughter. Smells like the open sky.

A simple movie, about love…about discovering oneself…leaves you with a sense of freedom and a dream. A dream that is more beautiful on screen than in your and my life. That smells like the blue sky too.

The smell of the pitter patter of rain, fear of the thunder and lightning. Feelings of solitude then a phone call from an old friend. Blue blue sky.

Experiences that leave a smile hours after you’ve stopped smiling when you first feel it. Images you run through your head, once…twice and then once again. These are the small things that help me regain my sanity….give me grounding even as my heart soars….!

Just like that...off my mind..!

Left...left...left...then take that small right..ya right there. there is a circle somewhere there...go around it and there is a bend towards the left. you'll see something big which will look like a dead end but its not..just wait till it disappears (eventually, it has to) then go straight through it..don't look back, and don't you dare sit.

THAT is the map of my brain. Muddled...confused...in crumbles. There is no direction or sense of it. I don't know where i am headed and at times when i do, i don't know why. Am not complaining. Sometimes i like going nowhere. I like the feeling attached to uncertainity. The important word here is 'sometimes'. Right now i am enjoying it. Thoroughly. And thats what matters, doesn't it.

Little Rascal..!

Little brothers. A constant source of irritation and wonderment. They have an internal buzzer i think...making this irritating zzzzzzzz sound all the time, always upto sometihng. Hard to ignore. As a kid, my brother always wanted the toys that were mine. He wanted to sit where i sat with my friends...listening to our conversations. He played house-house with us and sometimes wore my frocks. He wanted to be a part of everything. Its endearing now to think of all those times....his mischief and troublesome behavior. Back then i could have wished him away to the moon or even farther.

Growing up was a haze. I don't remember a lot about it. Childhood is vivid though. We would join our feet while lying opposite each other and play cycle cycle. We've fought tooth and nail, physically beating each other. Somewhere the physical fights ceased and verbal began. That tradition continues. Sometimes it makes me sad that i wasn't more aware of his growing up years. Maybe we would have known each other better.

He is a man today...almost. A boy to me but a man to everyone else. The tragedy of growing up and being an adult is that you will always be a child to some. So you never feel fully grown. In my head, he is still my LITTLE brother, who needs to be yelled at, to be told a hundred times and more...who won't listen and who needs constant looking after and counselling. It never occurs to me to treat him otherwise. Its hard to remember that he's an adult. He has his very own life you know...exclusively his. Small detail that i miss out.

My brother - Nishith. I fight you, i resist you, i admonish you and I love you! Coming back home is never the same if you're not around.

Heartfelt II

She sat by the window...the grill obstructing her view at places. Raindrops kept falling on her bare hands and a part of her t-shirt that was touching the grill was soaking wet. But she didn't realize any of this. She just sat there...not thinking...not dreaming...not sad and neither happy. Lazy times. A rare leisure.

A phone call brought her back from nothingness. It was an old school friend, someone she'd not spoken to in years. She lived abroad now and was down for a couple of weeks. Standing by the window and talking and laughing, Shruti suddenly became aware of the heavy rain and the water soaked hem of her t-shirt. She realized how shabby she looked and thought she should finally wear the green kurti she bought 2 months ago but had left it unpacked. She needed a haircut....badly. A lunch plan was made. She would be seeing Deepty after ages...she wanted to look good..feel good.

Over lunch, Shruti lost track of time. They spoke of school days...their class teacher and principal...old classmates. They exchanged funny stories and for a couple of hours went back to morning assembly, recess periods, pulling skirts to make them shorter and the vada pav stall at the corner. It was easy..easy to talk, to forget...to let go. Sometimes when you get lost in today...yesterday does a pretty good job of leading you back. Shruti spoke about her today....and somehow it was easier to talk about it than she had imagined. Deepty spoke of her experiences...not very similar to Shruti's but not too different either. "You know Shruti, we give the keys to people too soon...the keys to drive us crazy". This simple line stuck in Shruti's head all the way back home. She kept thinking about it and for the first time in more than one and a half year, she told herself something that she should have long time back - Its over.

Is this how freedom smells? The damp air rising up and giving her a sudden burst into fresh air. She felt like she was in a meadow and not between an impossible traffic jam. She'd lifted this heavy package since so long..now it was gone..she had dropped it and she felt light, her shoulders slumped in relief and she let out a sigh. She couldn't stop smiling. The smile slowly turned into a laugh. For all the times....the beautiful beautiful memories he'd left...for all the kind words...all the caring and all the fun. Raj seemed like a different person all together, all of a sudden. He stood for all that she'd wished for, hoped for and longed for. She chased him, pinned him down and pushed him...to belong, to hold, to stay. But, it was over. Finally, it was over.

The auto rickshaw had a mirror. Shruti leaned a little towards her right and caught an image of herself...and smiled.

Heartfelt

And then he just turned around and left. She stood there watching him leave. His words had not hurt her as much as the fact that he left without once turning behind. Like he'd dismissed her from his life in that one moment. Everything was left behind.

Strangely, she didn't cry. She turned around and made a call to the client to say that the artwork will be ready by evening. Matter of factly. Casually. As if this was some idle Tuesday..life was normal and everything hadn't changed.

Life was a rush. Life also lay deep beneath phone calls, client meetings, emails, prints, coffee, sleep, tantrums, fights, men...!! She felt still at times...as if life was revolving around her at a pace she couldn't keep up.

"Where did you keep the file i gave you this morning?". She looked blankly at the voice who seemed to be asking the question. It took a couple of minutes for her to register who he was and what was he talking about. Once she figured that...all that came out of her mouth was "I don't know, I don't know where i put it....it must be here somewhere..give me 5 min, I'll look for it". It took her half hour to locate the file. A few days later, she sat admiring a Saree that her mother bought. She sat with it in her lap and stroked the fabric while talking of mundane things. Nobody could tell, neither could she at that moment as to why suddenly had she burst out in tears. She cried...in loud gasps. This was the first time since that day 18 months ago that she had let herself go.

"It was the texture, Purvi, I'm telling you...it was the texture of the Saree that made me cry. Suddenly i realized that i couldn't feel my emotions like i felt the Saree...I honestly can't feel anything..for anyone...for anything. I just don't care anymore"

This is Shruti's story. Somewhere yours and mine too. The things we do to each other. We ravage and inflict on each other's minds. Imposing, snatching, scratching and hurting...so much!

Shruti's story is not over. Not yet. Look out for more.

Go Woman!!

I love the attitude :) Hillary Clinton making her mark. Coming out of the shadows of a more powerful and charismatic husband. Admirable. Much like our very own Sonia Gandhi, who has created a brand identity very unique and independent from that of her late husband, Mr. Rajiv Gandhi. Women who've risen to the occassion and have come up a long way with confidence, grace, attitude and pride.

All that i am - Brokeback Mountain

Affirmative action..!!

Everybody called me 'Kasturba' back in school. They tortured me. At first it was ok but then it got ugly and out of hand. I remember crying by myself cause i was teased to no extent. Then one day, a senior, Junaid stood up for me. He bullied my classmates into shutting up and warned them not to tease me. The teasing ceased. I had hero worship in my eyes for Junaid. My classmates resumed the teasing after a term or so. This time i didn't cry, i blasted the hell out of them. Kasturba left and left behind a stronger Kasturi.

Every time India faces a terrorist attack, it sobs, in private. Giving everybody the benefit of doubt. We give Kasab a fair trial and capital punishment to prime suspects in bomb attack after 6 long years of probing. Big brother US intervenes and the attacks cease, for a while!! After so many years of hearing Pakistan's tall stories, India has still failed to stand for itself. It has failed to emerge stronger and firmer. In the 9 months of Kasab's arrest, he has not revealed anything of importance, has given no leads, has not aided in the capture of the master minds. And yet, he lives. What for? World Peace? Because he wants to meet his mother or wants a sweet girl to tie him a rakhi? I mean, WHAT? Its ridiculous. Do away with him...castrate him, kill him...set an example. For once, make a statement and say "We are not here to take crap"

Read - http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Mocking-Bird/entry/no-kabab-for-kasab

Stormy Affiar..!!

Rakhi Savant affects our lives. She does. You may or may not have an opinion about Aishwarya Rai or about the Taj Mahal or about the dump of garbage just outside your colony. These are things that just exist...you say 'Ash is beautiful'...'Ohh yes I've been to Taj mahal' or 'Bloody, its stinking here' and you move on. BUT Rakhi is a different thing. You are involved in her life. In what is happening to her and what she's doing. You hate her. You watch her. You talk about her. Sometimes its her break up that you laugh about, sometimes its just the way she talks and sometimes its her wedding. Hell...i am writing my blog about her! The point is, as of today, she is the hottest selling item on the market. Even more than Kasab. People have lost their interest in Kasab, but Rakhi's contract marriage continues to create waves.

Frankly, I like Rakhi Savant. People may think her a dumb bimbo but i cant help admiring her intelligence and gumption. I always have a feeling like she's the one having the last laugh. She must be going to bed with wonderful thoughts of all that she has managed to achieve...all the people who've noticed her, spoken about her,oogled at her and googled her. She is the living example of the best marketing funda ever, "Any publicity is good publicity". She was here to get noticed, she has.

People may talk about her virtues,how morally sound she is and exclaim that the Indian Culture is going to the dogs. Its really funny how they do this. Imagine, a man sitting in front of the television, switching channels. Stops at a news channel giving a detailed analysis of Rakhi's contract wedding and all the controversies related to it. There's a panel of memebers giving their opinion. Very similar to how our budget is discussed on news channels. He stops on that channel and continuously talks about how Rakhi is such a sham and a shameless woman with no values whatsoever. He criticises the media for giving her so much coverage and calls it RIDICULOUS. All this while never taking his eyes off the set. Such double standard idiots we are.

All I can say for Rakhi is 'Go Rakhiiii'. This woman, born to a poor policeman dreamt of taking on the world by a storm. She's created the storm, perhaps not in the direction she wanted it to go but we've got a storm nonetheless!


"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction" - Oscar Wilde

Of times..!!

Have you ever put your hand in flour and played with it?? You feel the texture....and yet don't feel anything. You cant grasp the essence of it. I find writing about emotions very similar to that feeling. No matter how much i play with it and fiddle around...i can never seem to grasp the crux of it. Talking about it or wanting to write them down always makes me feel like I've not completed a story. Like something is loose and not neatly tied.

I want to talk about love and loneliness. About how i feel for him. There's something like wriggling in my heart when i think about him. When i think of times spent and memories made and days that are yet to be.

I cross streets, wait for trains, listen to silly announcements, eat popcorn, laugh on mad things with friends, get irritated and yell, i travel, i talk, i sing....the clutter called 'everyday'. The clutter is too great to dig out little little smiles from yesterday. Like putting your hand into your handbag and blindly looking for something...you find everything except what you're looking for. But then sometimes..without fiddling inside...some sounds, voices, laughter just come out and stand in front of you,you're surprised at the flash of a memory or discovery. Sometimes you forget that you kept a rose that he gave in your planner...to preserve the memory. There, in a flash...it comes to you as you search for mundane things. The stale fragrance, the faded color, stained page of the planner.

How do i live my day? Get past time that definitely isn't flying? This is how.

War of the sexes..!

One day feminists all over the world woke up and smiled. Prof Karim Nayernia of Britan was the reason for all those brilliant smiles. The prof claims to have created human sperms in his laboratory from stem cells. Meaning, the ultimate role of the male specie has been rendered irrelevant. We don't need their tools anymore.

The battle of the sexes continues. After having spent centuries being beaten,disgraced,raped,exploited...perhaps women feel liberated from their dependency on men. Its only fair to think that and wish it more than anything you've wished for. Who knows, maybe we'll have a different version of the original sin, it was infact Adam who ate the damn apple and chickened out in the end and put the whole blame on Eve.

Hundreds of theories,thousands of books,mars & mercury, yins and yangs later...the two species still remain mysterious to each other. Sterotypes have helped a LOT in categorising and giving a head start. We continue to battle it out, each day...dismissing each other as 'trouble'. 'All men are the same,bastards', 'Dude, whats wrong with you? Your' getting married? Thats the end of freedom buddy'...statements we hear day in and day out. We continue to understand and misunderstand each other, demeaning, underestimating, overestimating, abusing each other. In the midst of all this, we find love, friendship, companionship.

There is a beautiful line that goes, "hum hi hum hai toh kya hum hai,tum hi tum ho toh kya tum ho". What's the fun in having to produce babies with silly laboratory sperms..whats the point? Next thing you know they'll make having sex barbaric. When you have alternative options, indulging in pure pleasure can be termed criminal.

I am extremely gender sensitive and beleive in equality. But I think this whole fight between men and women is just pure silly. Men put women down in words all the time..those who can speak up do so whemenently. There is absoultely NO basis to saying one is superior to the other. Of course they are different...but not unequal.

Women need men for more than procreation and men need women for more than sex.

Then add a little bit if Faith..!

Silent prayers, folded hands, flowers...heads bent and hands folded..in reverence...in faith..!Quick steps...short glimpse...a thousand wishes. She waited patiently for her turn, when it came...she bent down to whisper her deepest desires into the ears of the mouse statue outside the ganesha temple. She spoke, spoke and spoke some more. Wishes and hopes and dreams held so close to the heart...were now being poured into the ears of a mouse statue that would surely deliver her message to the lord. Fulfillment will come and so will happiness. Faith. I, who stood looking at her as a bystander envied her. Not her chance, not her leisure but her faith.

They say faith can move mountains.

I am an agnostic. I have never been enthusiastic about going to temples. The only reason being, I didn’t feel FAITH. I just didn’t feel anything. I've seen people moved to tears while praying...being lost in a world of their own...walking a hundred miles! Maybe mountains moved. Maybe they didn't. But what do i know, I try and push hard...very hard..and go back just to find the rock where i left it!

Coldplay - Shiver

All in your head!!

"Amma where is my white t-shirt...why do you have to rearrange my things...?"/ "Nothing will ever be the same again.." - she said as tears rolled down her cheeks/ "Why the hell does Philip have to go and open his mouth every single time?"/ "Chal yaar sutta marte hai...forget this crap": Sometimes characters in my head just scream out these lines. Different people, vague faces, no names...just voices..!! Faces and glimpses, momentary emotions that i try and capture in a story but they fade off...like smoke...!

They are not people, yet, they are waiting to be. Sometimes i try and give them an identity and sometimes just let them be...as they live the moment and faze off. I forget them most of the times and suddenly recognize some voice that i had relegated to the back of my head...kinda like meeting someone for the second time...'Hey...I know you..don't I??

Some of them will be born, live and grow. Some will die and yet other's will never even be born. Nonetheless all of them have at some point or other, been a part of me...and will take a little of me with them.

I would watch this every single time it played on Doordarshan...just LOVE it..!

If you're happy and you're gay...clap your hands!

A shy, smiling man in his mid 20's escorted me to the room inside. He told me his name was Rahul. He showed me the book case where all the books i needed for referencing were neatly stacked. He was kind and patient. He told me that he had a boyfriend who he met regularly, there at Humsafar center. It was a haven for homosexual men and eunuchs. A hide out from the beating, threatening, insulting policemen on the road. I later spoke to Mr. Ashok Rao Kavi, a leading gay activist. A long and tumulus journey was etched on his face. The worry, the passion and compassion is what i remember of him.

A time of triumph for people who love their own kind. But legal acceptance does not in any way guarantee societal acceptance. Coming out the closet has been made smoother not easier.

What is it about sex that makes the world curl up? Well, not the entire world, but most parts. Sex is a taboo. A 'dont say the word' topic. Something you cringe at and in India, if you find someone talking about it..you normally say 'dirty mind' in a way to suggest as if that concept or thought has never occurred to anyone. We feel cities are different....people are more forward and open. Not true. That is 0.15% of the population, roughly. Most people are uncomfortable talking about sex or sexuality. Tell me, how can you talk about the population of a country without connoting sex? How can you go up to someone and ask in casual conversation, "aur aapke bacche kitne hai?" without acknowledging the act that went behind making them.

Practically and logically speaking, why should anyone have a problem with what people do behind closed doors, as long as there are two consenting adults? Its none of my business. Why should i be the judge, who am i to say what he ought to do and what not. Why should it concern me? Do i hear, "This is not Indian Culture?" "Yeh hamari sanskriti aur sabhyata ke khilaaf hai?" I don't know when was it that we turned away from Kama Sutra!!

Preeti suffers everyday. Stuck in a marriage with a man she does not love. Stealing glances at the woman who comes and buys vegetables at the same bhajiwala. Feeling the excitement but going back to a forced, closed life. Vijay the local newspaper seller in Lucknow has his escapades with men. But knows his family is searching for a suitable bride and expect him to be a responsible family man and grant a heir to the family. I dont know how the new law will help preeti and vijay come out of their suffereing. But yes a lot of preeti's and vijay's will find the courage, will stand up and smile. Times they are a changing.

Horn ok please...!!

Kasturi's thoughts while coming back home from office - "I hope i haven't made a mistake in the estimate i sent...what was the amount..?... jute bag laden, oily hair tied..the bharatiya naari launches herself into the street...without looking to her right or left. She is the queen...we, the idiots better make way for her, she is taking vegetables to feed her family. UHHHHHH #^&(*%^$^#^%(*&(*....irritating women..!! Have you seen these women, hurtling their kids by their hands..pulling the arm apart while shaking them in rage for not staying close enough or running through busy crowded streets? These women themselves need a crash course that reads "crossing the road - do's and don'ts"

The traffic in Mumbai is pretty organized you know...compared to other cities....not that I've been to too many, but so i hear.! People here are disciplined, except the fact that they are a 100 meters ahead and right in the middle of the road, ready to pounce even before the signal light turns green. We are a pretty well behaved cohort. Lanes are marked. Most...Most roads have a divider that makes driving and focusing so much easier...well...you can let your thoughts run wherever they want to..almost. The inside lanes are the problem areas. There are no dividers. Vegetable vendors and cobblers and fruit wallas are sitting on either side of the road. Unthinking, unlooking(i know there is no such word), self involved people shuttle through these streets..rather narrow lanes, with such confidence and spontaniety...its amazing. You cannot think of driving through mumbai without hurtling abuses...!! A huge tanker will find its way somehow through these kutti kutti roads and the butt of an autorickshaw..struggling to poke its nose into the next lane to take a U-turn will cause a traffic jam. One lane is not moving because the rickshaw is stuck in the middle..like a croocked arm..neither in this lane or that. The tanker guy honks incessantly...and so are a hundred others. The bikers are nudging and manuvering their vehicals from the side stree..almost crushing the vendors. Pedistrians continue to ignore this whole mess as if saying "Its none of my business" and go on with life completely unaware of blaring horns, the yelling people and stalling any attempt of the traffic to move ahead..!!

When you finally do manage to get out of this chaos....it feels like.....finally being able to rip apart the extremely tight shirt you were wearing. As you take it off, you feel the breath coming back to you..you let out a sigh aaaaahhhhhh....FINALLY...!

Poem - for him..!

And then the song birds flew,

Leaving just you n me and the dew,

The silence, Silver…

And while it lingered, what we said, was gold.

A shallow breeze and a twinkle,

Soft breath of my body, your eyes meeting mine.

Thousands of years ago, or is it just here and now,

Today seems forever, can you tell me how?!

Letter to my father..!

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I fight with him. Argue. Answer back. I am rude. Inconsiderate. Rash. He is patient. Loving. Caring. He listens. Supports. Kind. My Father. My friend.

I remember my dad teaching me geography with the help of a football. He took me to a balcony and switched on the light on one side and showed me how the earth moves...and rotates and how seasons change. I've never forgotten that lesson. And many other's that were not deliberately taught but things i learnt. From him.

I know the sacrifices you've made daddy. The life of a party now sits at home and just wants his children around. We don't always oblige. Running away in our own worlds, leaving you waiting for us to come back. To share. Today, i just want to let you know that, we value and understand these sacrifices and this love you shower on us. Forgive us our youth and inexperience.

FATHER & MOTHER - I couldn't have given a better name for GOD. I love you daddy...always always will.

And then it rained.....

Soft cautious feet find their way through the muck...avoiding as much of it as possible....looking down intently for any puddles that might splash water...there's a slight drizzle and she is trying to get there faster but the muck is....uhhhhhh.....!! Finally she makes it to the bus stop...the shelter provides some relief but not completely. She looks around and wonders if she's at the right place. Is this the same place? So many years have gone by and she cant quiet remember if this was the bus stop or the one after this. So many changes have taken place, the city hardly looks the way it used to. She smiles at the thought of herself more than 9 years ago standing at this very road, waiting for the bus to take her to her office. That was 1991...9 years? Has it been that long..?! So many years...wasted, lived, cherished, dismissed!! She stands there, her thoughts in another lifetime.

There were hardly any passerby's and the few who crossed the street hardly took notice of the 45 year old lean and short woman standing at the bus stop with a canvas bag on her shoulder. Padmini had lived most of her adult life in Pune. She came to Mumbai to give a job interview, didn't get the job but got herself a husband. Shishir and Padmini settled down to the fast paced, zero family time kind of a life of Mumbai. Padmini was never madly in love with Shishir, she just knew that he was the kind of man she wanted to marry. Shishir was responsible, sensible, practical and he was crazy about Padmini. Padmini saw it as a 'wise' decision more than anything...!

There are certain things that one can't talk about. Something inside of you always stops you from taking that plunge, from giving your 'all' to someone. Padmini held on, too tight..to herself. Shishir showered her with everything he had...and it wasn't until about two years after their marriage that Shishir realized how little he knew his wife. The more he showered her with love, the more she withdrew from him. They divorced in 1991 on 21st May, same day that Rajiv Gandhi died.

Nine years later, Padmini was more in love with Shishir than she'd ever been. Sometimes it takes someone to turn their backs on you for you to realize how much you leaned on them. Padmini moved back to Pune after her divorce and told herself she was much happier without the chains and burdens of marriage. Shishir took up a job in Hyderabad and bravely nursed a broken heart.

A few years later, a matter related to property came up, a joint property that Shishir and Padmini owned. Shishir flew down from Hyderabad, they met at the lawyers and later exchanged stories over a cup of coffee. A lot happened over coffee. She found a friend in him. He told her funny stories about his work and the people around him. She hardly stopped laughing. They parted on a promise to keep in touch.

Padmini had never felt this way before. At 39, she was in love with a man who was her husband for three years...a man who had loved her no end. It was like she had never heard his stories, never seen him laugh and never felt his warmth. Of course she was the one who was blind. She found herself waiting for him to return her call, sharing things with him that she had scarcely told herself...wondering if he still loved her. He made her come alive. She laughed and weeped at the same time. After 9 long years of their divorce, Padmini and Shishir were going out on a date.

She stood their at the bus stop...waiting for him to come. She smiled with happiness and joy as she saw him coming, he had a smile too. He came close and put his hand on her head and pursed his lips with a smile...it told her everything she wanted to hear, that it was alright. Everything was now alright. And then it rained.......!!

Wishes

I wish i could think of something to write

I wish i could fly

I wish i could eat and never grow fat

I wish there was no poverty

I wish i lived in Italy

I wish i had pots of money

I wish i had my own show to host

I wish i owned the world

I wish the world would go green

I wish i had studied more in school

I wish i can write a book

I wish i had a round bed

I wish he was close

I wish i could go on a never ending drive

I wish i could live a fairy tale of a life

I wish i owned a yacht

I wish i could adopt an orphan

I wish people didn't kill each other

I wish i could live my childhood again just for a day

Ruling stars!

I am a strong believer in star signs. I worship Linda Goodman and find her characteristics of signs pretty accurate. In fact, one of the first things i want to know about a person is the star sign, so that i have a base.....to understand them better. I believe that people with certain star signs are likely to better get along than other's.

I was wondering, you think countries could have star signs? I mean, the way a country behaves..could that have certain patterns? Am not talking about the people of the country..but at a larger..political level. For example, United States of America would be a LEO. Always in the forfront...loves attention, likes to be in the limelight, is arrogant with pride and playful at the same time. Here's something that Linda Goodman says about Leo's "The exasperating thing is that they're quite good at rationalizing things and smoothing out the wrinkles in your life. Too bad they can't manage their own affairs with as much ease and finesse. Leo just can't help feeling superior and behaving dra matically now and then" Now don't we see our very own Uncle Sam in here?

North Korea is a typical SCORPIO baby - Stubborn, uncompromising, unforgiving, exteremly dominating and in need of constant discipline. North Korea has always been in a perpetual conflict with its more peace loving neighbour South Korea. It is now raring to take over the world, forcing everyone to take notice of it. Like a child who won't listen to any reasoning...North Korea is the world's scorpio baby who needs to be handled with a lot of patience and firm action.

While describing a CAPRICORN, Linda Goodman talks about the slow, beaten tortoise and the over confident hare. The hare is carefree and underestimates the tortoise....and looses sight of his goal. The tortoise on the other hand, wins due to sheer determination and focus. A 100 points if you guess who it is?! India? Pakistan? Iran? Nahhhhh...its China. The world almost dismissed...what with its political issues and the never ending population. We saw it more as a burnden than the next super power of the world. Yet there it is, surging ahead....consistantly and ambitiously. Listen to this, "Now study a Capricorn. Where will you find him? Just about anywhere he can advance or improve himself. Any where he can get ahead and further his secret ambitions. Try a social gathering. The Capricorn is not a carefree party type, but the goat we're studying is a social climber as well as a mountain climber". Before we know...the world will be wrapped up in chopsuey and mandarin will be the global language. Make way, the chinese are here!

Now my birthplace, India. My beloved India. Some say she the next super power of the world, some say she's a dominating 'big sister' yet some find her a harbringer of peace and love and spirituality and yoga. Read on - "Librans hate to be rude, yet they'll straighten the crooked picture on your wall and snap off your blaring TV sfft. LIBRANS love people, but they hate large crowds. Like gentle doves of peace, they go around mediating and patching up quarrels between others; still they enjoy a good argument themselves. They're goodnatured and pleasant, but they can also be sulky, and they balk at taking orders". Yes, we are living within a Libran. Thought to be very balanced and good natured, but in reality not always. She has her own set of problems and confusions, she looses control and track and is unsure of where exactly she was heading. But she is kind, a good listner and very helpful.

Get the drift?! A lot more analysis can go into this..and who knows...we may have a science of political behaviour!!

I, me and thyself..!

Try this. Sit alone in a room and think about 'nothing'. Just don't think. Simply sit there. No, don't close your eyes and don't concentrate or meditate. Just sit. Your mind will drift. To someone, something, some place, some noise, some smell, some memory. Erase. This you will find is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. To sit with yourself...thinking of nothing but you. The hardest thing to do is to spend time with yourself.

I am not talking spirituality. I believe spirituality is not something you can talk about or teach. So, am not getting philosophical here..! What i mean is, we live inside of us..our ENTIRE life....being so unaware of this thing called ME. This doesn't mean that we are selfless...no...quiet the contrary. We always always put ourselves first. Isn't it funny then, that we find it so difficult to sit with ourselves. We are always thinking of 'the other'. Our world view, our definitions, our values, our self worth, ideas, feelings, smiles are all from that 'other'. Everything that we do or think is because the other exists.

Recently i was watching a movie, Anger Management. This guy (Adam Sandler) goes for anger management therapy. His therapist (Jack Nicholson) asks him, "So tell us Dave, who are you?". Dave starts by saying that he works at so and so company and this is his job. The therapist interrupts him and asks, "I am not asking what you do, i am asking, who are you?" Dave had no answer.

Tell me, Who are you?

Way out?!

Jobs lost. Low investments. Falling GD P's. Financial Gloom. In the United States, 25 banks closed down in 2008 and 36 have gone down in the first quarter of 2009 while a whooping 634 banks have come out as being weeker in the recent 'stress test' of major banks, undertaken by US government. The dollar is weak. United States exports have fallen by about 20% in the last quarter. Billions of dollars have been lost and billions more pumped into the economy to resurrect it.

There are claims from experts that the economy is reviving. At times, people seem to be taking hope from them and we see it reflecting on the stocks. I am no economist. But i do understand that half the world is reeling under immense financial pressure.....that what happens on wall street affects my life/our life here in India.

Like i said, i am no expert. But i feel, the best way out of this situation if for company's in to invest in 'Human Resource'. It's a tough call. Losses are high and most company's aren't even being able to cover the day to day costs, leave alone making profits. But human resources could very well turn out to be the best short term investment a company could make. Not only will that give purchasing power to people, something thats been seeing the downside too, but it will also help them increase their investments.

It might be a simplistic solution or rather option to all the mind bogling strategic steps taken to make nice with the economy. But still, its one worth giving a thought to!

I DO...!

Gold rimmed. Bright. Sheer. Beautiful.....is how a marriage looks and seems in the head, before it happens to you. It is also how the heart feels....brimming with joy and dreams and happiness...a whole new world waiting for you...finally when you are on the other side and call yourself 'married'. The gold covered, pure thing inside of you is waiting for a lifetime of waiting and expectations to come true. You will finally belong, with someone. You smile a lot, laugh a lot, suddenly you want to meet your friends and spend time with family. All of them notice the glow on your face, the generous smiles.....unmarried friends look at you with a tinge of jealousy...biding their time and telling themselves, someday it'll be 'their' day.

Getting married is probably the most thought about topic for a girl. Even when she has her very first crush...she is convinced that this is the person she is going to marry...its him she is going to live happily ever after with. She moves on as she grows up....she tries giving a face to the one she'll finally marry....always waiting for him...always second guessing who it will be. The dreams are all the same....the beautiful clothes, happy faces, loving husband....a special feeling...of knowing that it is your day today..that you've never looked so beautiful, that no man has ever loved anyone as much as your husband will love you and no woman could possibly love any man like you love yours.

The more i talk to my married friends the more i feel like....like....there was a lot of dreamy fog, the kind you see in movie songs during a dream sequence...and you were running through it, happy and sure of finding a wonderful new world....but now you are out of it...the fog has lifted and there is a bland reality staring at you. The gold rimmed cloth is torn and tattered and worn out...the bright colours have faded and it doesnt feel like silk anymore....! You are confused and try to adjust to your surroundings...taken by surprise....you ask yourself...have i come to the right place? Most of the times, life goes on, you fall in love with a khadi cloth which may not be as soft as silk, not as bright but still looks good. But sometimes not....sometimes the worn out cloth leaves scars and bruises that are difficult to mend...you long to see the glitter of gold that you loved so much...but dont...! It is this disappointment of not seeing that precious glitter that crushes something inside you....and you know nothing will ever be the same again.

Fix you - Coldplay...!

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.